“We don’t lack the ability–we just lack incentive.”  Emerson Eggerichs, Ph.D.

What emotions do you feel after a conflict with your spouse?

Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.  Remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free.  (Eph. 6:7,8; NLT)

This is more from the awesome Love and Respect Marriage Conference that Sharon and I attended last weekend.  If you’ll recall, I introduced this topic a couple of days ago by describing the destructive “Crazy Cycle’ as defined by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his now world-famous conference.  In a nutshell, the “crazy cycle” occurs when the wife feels unloved, and she reacts in very disrespectful ways, and when the husband feels disrespected, he reacts in very unloving ways.  Each choice to react in this very natural way violates the basic fundamental need of the spouse. 

In the Energizing Cycle, Eggerichs explains that in the midst of the crazy cycle, the husband could choose to offer to love his wife unconditionally, or the wife could choose to offer her husband unconditional respect.  Either one of those “irrational” choices (irrational in the eyes of the world) starts a whole new cycle which Eggerichs calls The Energizing Cycle.  Basically, his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love.  It comes down to putting the other’s needs ahead of your own.  Sometimes pretty hard to remember do in the heat of battle.

It is during this portion of the conference that Eggerichs’ wife, Sarah, offers some very practical advice for husbands in loving their wives and similarly, some very practical advice for wives in how to show respect for their husbands.  For instance, husbands need to verbally support and honor their wife in front of the children.  He should speak only positive things about his wife before family and friends.  She, on the other hand, could show respect by simply encouraging her husband to talk about his dreams and doing recreational activities with him or at least watching him do them.  It struck me that most all of the suggestions she was making were things that both parties did naturally and eagerly while they were courting each other.

In the final segment of the conference, Eggerichs describes The Rewarded Cycle.  Here he makes the point that there are significant rewards when the husband offers his love regardless of her respect and significant rewards for the wife when she offers her respect regardless of his love.  Here he begins to speak of the basic character of each party as he asserts that one spouse does not cause the other spouse to be the way they are, but rather simply reveals the way they really are.  Ouch!!!  Eggerichs suggests that God’s design for marriage was not just for companionship and procreation, but also as a test and tool to mold one’s inner character. 

Once again, if you have never attended a Love & Respect conference, I can’t urge you enough to make plans to attend.  If you can’t find one going on near you, there is a book on the topic, and/or CDs and DVDs of the conference itself.  This is some pretty basic stuff that all would be better for knowing.

Prayer Power
Lord, we ask You to put love and respect in our hearts when we are feeling unloved and disrespected.  Help us to see that the key to a fulfilled marriage is putting the other’s needs ahead of our own.

Link of the Day
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Blessings on you as you allow your marriage to bring out the best in you instead of bringing out your worst.