“Our culture teaches that respect must be earned whereas love is to be unconditional.”  Emerson Eggerichs, Ph.D.

What was accomplished by the sharply worded conflict you had with your spouse?

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  (Eph. 5:33; NLT)

Sharon and I attended a dynamite marriage conference over the weekend.  Our church hosted a video version of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ now famous Love and Respect Marriage Conference.  I don’t know what rock we’ve been living under, but I was amazed to learn that this conference will be nine years old this August.  Yes, we had heard of it a couple of times, but had no idea what a powerful experience it was.

Eggerichs’ basic premise is that men and women were “wired” to have different basic (or deepest) needs.  Women are wired to need love and men are wired to need respect.  Of course, the key verse describing this different need is Eph. 5:33 where Paul commands every man to love his wife and then goes on to command every woman to respect her husband.  This is not to say that a woman doesn’t need respect nor that a man doesn’t need love, but we’re talking about deepest or motivating need here.

It’s interesting to note that while Paul commands the husband to love his wife, it never tells him to respect his wife…because since respect is embedded deep within his nature, such a command would be redundant.  Similarly, the wife is never commanded to love her husband because love is a part of her nature.  (Note: lest I get rapped by some Bible scholars out there, Titus 2:4 speaks of phileo love rather than agape love.  Not the same thing.)

It’s curious to note that we live in a love-dominated society, so the love side of this equation tends to get all the press.  To further tip the scales away from balance, there are those who misinterpret the word “respect” to mean that the husband is superior over his wife.  When properly interpreted by letting the whole Bible interpret a verse, it is clear that in the eyes of God a husband and wife are equal.  Respect isn’t about equality–it’s about esteem or admiration.  Now it can’t be denied that there are times when a husband doesn’t deserve respect, or esteem, or admiration, but the Bible is clear that the way to win a such a husband is through respectful behavior.  And who can deny that there are times when a wife doesn’t deserve love, but the Bible doesn’t make any exceptions in its command for the husband to love his wife.

This whole lack of understanding regarding the two different needs (neither wrong, just different) leads to what Eggerichs has labeled “The Crazy Cycle.”  In a nutshell (no pun intended), when the wife feels unloved, she reacts in very disrespectful ways, and when the husband feels disrespected, he reacts in very unloving ways.  Round and round it goes–crazy!  Either side could break the cycle by simply choosing to exhibit unconditional love or unconditional respect.  But since people don’t generally understand that there is a difference in deepest needs, it’s not as simple as making the right choice.  After all, you cannot choose something that you don’t know about.

If you have never attended a Love & Respect conference, I can’t urge you enough to make plans to attend.  If you can’t find one going on near you, there is a book on the topic, and/or CDs and DVDs of the conference itself.  This is some pretty basic stuff that all would be better for knowing.  Sure glad we finally made it to one of the conferences…better late than never.

Prayer Power
Lord, we thank You for the blessing of matrimony.  Please forgive us for those many times we’ve been unloving and disrespectful.  Give us the grace to better understand our spouse’s fundamental needs and then to have the desire to meet those needs.

Link of the Day
Love and Respect 

Blessings on you as you purpose to watch for The Crazy Cycle in your home and choose to break it by not reacting to the provocation.