“Relationships are like Legos®. When you fill up all the connections on a block, there’s no room for any more.”  Unknown

How many close friends do you have?  Do they know it?

Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is really faithful?  (Prov. 20:6, NLT)

I find today’s quote quite insightful.  There seems to be a point at which we can’t adequately handle any more relationships, and it probably varies from person to person.

Of course that was before Facebook.  Now people can have up to 5,000 friends according to Facebook rules.  5,000 friends!  Think about it.  Jesus could only handle 12 significant relationships.  Many of us don’t do too well with two or three.  And get this — I (the classic introvert) have over 1200 friends on FB.  It’s a lot of fun.  But there is no real commitment.  Not really much time is required.

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“Achievement is largely the product of aspiration and expectation.”  Jack Nicklaus

Do you expect tomorrow to be any different than today?  Why do you say that?

Listen to my voice in the morning, LORD. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.  (Psa. 5:3; NLT)

Last week, I wrote a DG titled “Expectations Can Be Dangerous.”  It turned out to be a post that I received several compliments on, both on the web site and via Facebook and Twitter.  But even as I hit the publish button last week, I was having some second thoughts — something was not quite right.

Today’s post is not to retract anything that I said in the previous article.  As I read it again, there is only one phrase in the whole article that I might reword.  The phrase, “Expectations, inherently dangerous by themselves…” is what triggered my feelings of uncertainty about my post.  I was bothered by that because I’ve learned over the last several years that expectations are good and necessary.  It’s when we factor in the complexity of relationships that they become “inherently” dangerous.

While driving to visit Sharon’s Mother last weekend we listened to a couple of teachings on our mp3 player that resolved this issue in my mind.  The speaker was Pastor Keith Moore who said that he had learned years ago that “When it comes to people, I’m going to expect nothing and be thankful for everything.”  He went on to say that “When it comes to what other people would or could or should do for us, do not allow yourself to presume anything.  Then you won’t be disappointed when they don’t do it.  But you’ll be surprised and thankful when they do.”  Great advice!

On the other hand, as Jack Nicklaus implied in his quote above, nobody could rise to new heights in any endeavor if they did not believe they could do it and expect to do it (whatever “it” is).  Can you imagine a pro golfer lining up a putt and expecting to miss?  I guarantee he’ll miss the shot.  What about planting a garden?  Why bother if all you expect is weeds?  When you leave in you car, do you expect to arrive at your destination safely?  Would you even try if you didn’t expect the intended outcome?

Earl Nightingale said, “Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations.”  It has also been said that since your expectations create your outcomes, it would be a good idea to have great expectations.  Oral Roberts is famous for his “Something good is about to happen to you!”  So there is definitely a bit of tension here.  Expectations are good and necessary, but great caution is required when applied to the actions of other people.

I would love to have some of you comment on this tension about expectations.  What is your view?  BTW, I’m not ready to be dogmatic, but I do feel more comfortable with this new understanding.

Prayer Power
Father, we are so grateful for all the good things that You bless us with on a continuous basis.  Forgive us for all the times when we focus on what’s wrong rather than what’s right.

Link of the Day
High expectations foster success

Blessings on you as you expect to have your best weekend ever.

Photo by tony_the_bald_eagle

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“Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary.”  Albert Ellis

Recall the last time you experienced a disappointment from someone you were close to.  What was the root issue?

And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.  (Rom. 5:5; NLT)

Expectations can be dangerous things.  Wikipedia calls an expectation a belief about the future that may or may not be realistic.  It goes on to say that a result that does not measure up to expectation usually produces the emotion of disappointment.

Expectations, inherently dangerous by themselves, when mixed with relationships are almost guaranteed to explode from time to time and cause strain in any relationship.  The author of the blog post that I am including as today’s link writes that, “The number two problem in relationships revolves around unfulfilled expectations.”  He points out that the only problem that surpasses unfulfilled expectations is “undelivered communication,” i.e., failure of both parties to make their expectations clear beforehand.

Daphne Lim, another blogger that I read recently posted, “Expectations — of ourselves and other people — set us up for disappointment, frustration and misery. Freeing yourself and the people you love from the burden of expectations is one of the best things you’ll ever do for yourself.”

I challenge you to reflect on recent relationship issues that you have personally experienced.  I’d be willing to wager that they all arose from unfulfilled expectations of one kind or another.  I must confess that most of the challenges Sharon and I face arise when one of us is expecting to do something or go somewhere yet fails to communicate that expectation early enough for the other side to respond.  Meanwhile the other party has developed their own set of expectations and similarly failed to communicate adequately.

As life coaches we were taught to always have a written agreement with our clients in order to minimize the number of unfulfilled expectations that might arise.  Pretty much all businesses cover their transactions with formal (usually written) agreements in an attempt to manage expectations on both sides.

Am I saying that all relationships need to be covered by written agreements like businesses use?  No, I won’t go that far, but I do believe that both sides should make every attempt to eliminate the problems before they arise by communicating their desires for the future.  Now this obviously won’t solve all need, values, or desire related issues, but it will certainly go along way toward minimizing the number of times that hurt is the outcome from unfulfilled expectations.  Communication is the ultimate key to manage expectations.

Prayer Power
Father, help us in our attempts to openly communicate our expectations with each other while at the same time being willing to negotiate for middle ground in those cases when our expectations are mutually exclusive.  Help us to find win-win scenarios for those cases.

Link of the Day
The Truth About Relationship Expectations

Blessings on you as you seek to be even more transparent and forthright with your spouse this coming week.

Photo by naamanus

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“Work skills are highly refined while life skills lay behind.  Relationships and work output fall behind, creating gaps in relational and global performance.”  Ben Stewart

How important are relationships to you?  What evidence can you show that would back that up?

And the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him.”  (Gen. 2:18; NLT)

About a year ago, I was given the honor to be asked to serve as field mentor on the Doctoral Dissertation committee for Rev. Pat Bopp (D.Min. Candidate at Regent University).  As I write this, I am reading through his magnificent dissertation which he will be defending in the coming days.  He has one short section within his literature review that moved me so much I am led to quote it in its entirety.  (I pray I’m not breaking any protocol in doing this, but I feel the following is a message we all need to hear.  Thanks Pat, for your research that led to the following thoughts.)

“Dr. Will Miller is a psychotherapist, a campus minister at Purdue University, and the author of the book Refrigerator Rights.  The central question and thesis of his book follows:

“‘How many people in your life right now have refrigerator rights in your home?  How many of the people you encounter everyday see you unshaven or without makeup? How many people hear you express yourself in that blunt, unguarded way you do with your family.  How many can talk to you at a deep, intimate level.  And how many people grant you refrigerator rights? How many people confide in you — tell you about the things that really matter to them?

“‘It’s our belief that modern life has been profoundly affected by the loss of refrigerator rights relationships.  We’ve lost them through three major social changes: increased mobility, heavy social emphasis on individualism, and emotionally numbing distractions.’ (Miller 2007, 20)

“Miller believes that isolation ‘is the ongoing story — perhaps the headline — of the modern age.’  The author continues:

“‘I’ve slowly come to the conclusion that the core emotional problem of modern life is this: a pervasive personal detachment and aloofness from other people…We no longer live in physical or emotional closeness to the people who helped shape us, including our family of origin, friends, neighbors and the acquaintances of our childhood.  And we have failed to replace our social network with new people.  It’s not just about moving away.  It’s about being away, being apart, being isolated, and being too alone.  It is about the loss of refrigerator rights with others.’ (Miller 2007, 39-40)

“Relational living varies among cultures around the world.  The pragmaticism of American society tends to produce programmatic living.  Author Scott Boren offers the following:

“‘The condition of individualism — along with that of pragmatism — forms the operating system that shapes life in America…We are a people who breathe the air of programmatic life.  We live each day according to a set of predetermined and proven steps that promise greater success…The programmatic drive to produce fruit (numbers) undermines the very essence that causes fruit to grow in the first place (relationships)…In third world countries in South America, Asia, and Africa…cultures breathe a different air than we do in North America.  They never learned to breathe the air of pragmaticism.  They never learned to measure their lives by what they produce…Instead, they measure their lives by the life they live with others.’ (Boren 2007, 25-29)

“The problem of relational isolation is clearly a cultural phenomenon in the United States.  Author Gary Kinnaman cites Ralph Keyes from his book We the Lonely People on the subject of community in America.

“’Community’ is a national obsession.  But we want other things more.  Not getting involved with neighbors is worth more to us than ‘community.’…It’s this confusion, this ambivalence that confounds our quest for community.  We yearn for a simpler, more communal life; we sincerely want more sense of community.  But not at the sacrifice of any advantages that mass society has brought, even ones we presumably scorn.’ (Kinnaman 2003, 112)

“The desire for community in the United States is certainly lower than the desire for other things.”

Thanks for this powerful (and painful) reminder, Pat.

Prayer Power
Father, I thank You for the relationships with which You have blessed me over the years.  I also thank You for the occasional times You use people like Pastor Pat Bopp to remind me how important relationships really are to all of us.

Link of the Day
A Tip on Cultivating Refrigerator Rights

Blessings on you as you purposefully cultivate refrigerator rights with someone.