“Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary.”  Albert Ellis

Recall the last time you experienced a disappointment from someone you were close to.  What was the root issue?

And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.  (Rom. 5:5; NLT)

Expectations can be dangerous things.  Wikipedia calls an expectation a belief about the future that may or may not be realistic.  It goes on to say that a result that does not measure up to expectation usually produces the emotion of disappointment.

Expectations, inherently dangerous by themselves, when mixed with relationships are almost guaranteed to explode from time to time and cause strain in any relationship.  The author of the blog post that I am including as today’s link writes that, “The number two problem in relationships revolves around unfulfilled expectations.”  He points out that the only problem that surpasses unfulfilled expectations is “undelivered communication,” i.e., failure of both parties to make their expectations clear beforehand.

Daphne Lim, another blogger that I read recently posted, “Expectations — of ourselves and other people — set us up for disappointment, frustration and misery. Freeing yourself and the people you love from the burden of expectations is one of the best things you’ll ever do for yourself.”

I challenge you to reflect on recent relationship issues that you have personally experienced.  I’d be willing to wager that they all arose from unfulfilled expectations of one kind or another.  I must confess that most of the challenges Sharon and I face arise when one of us is expecting to do something or go somewhere yet fails to communicate that expectation early enough for the other side to respond.  Meanwhile the other party has developed their own set of expectations and similarly failed to communicate adequately.

As life coaches we were taught to always have a written agreement with our clients in order to minimize the number of unfulfilled expectations that might arise.  Pretty much all businesses cover their transactions with formal (usually written) agreements in an attempt to manage expectations on both sides.

Am I saying that all relationships need to be covered by written agreements like businesses use?  No, I won’t go that far, but I do believe that both sides should make every attempt to eliminate the problems before they arise by communicating their desires for the future.  Now this obviously won’t solve all need, values, or desire related issues, but it will certainly go along way toward minimizing the number of times that hurt is the outcome from unfulfilled expectations.  Communication is the ultimate key to manage expectations.

Prayer Power
Father, help us in our attempts to openly communicate our expectations with each other while at the same time being willing to negotiate for middle ground in those cases when our expectations are mutually exclusive.  Help us to find win-win scenarios for those cases.

Link of the Day
The Truth About Relationship Expectations

Blessings on you as you seek to be even more transparent and forthright with your spouse this coming week.

Photo by naamanus

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